As Long as We Both Are Breathing
by lovelynoise
Summary: Twilight gender bender parody. What if Twilight was about Ben, not Bella, and Elvira, not Edward?


My father drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt – sleeveless, white; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.

In the Olympic Peninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds. It rains on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America. It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my father escaped with me when I was only a few months old. It was in this town that I'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That was the year I finally put my foot down; these past three summers, my mom, Lottie, vacationed with me in California for two weeks instead.

It was to Forks that I now exiled myself – an action that I took with great horror. I detested Forks.

I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city.

"Ben," my dad said to me – the last of a thousand times – before I got on the plane. "You don't have to do this."

My dad looks like me, except with shorter hair and laugh lines. I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at his wide, childlike eyes. How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained father to fend for himself? Of course he had Filippa now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in his car, and someone to call when he got lost, but still…

"I _want_ to go," I lied. I'd always been a bad liar, but I'd been saying this lie so frequently lately that it sounded almost convincing now.

"Tell Lottie I said hi."

"I will."

"I'll see you soon," he insisted. "You can come home whenever you want – I'll come right back as soon as you need me."

But I could see the sacrifice in his eyes behind the promise.

"Don't worry about me," I urged. "It'll be great. I love you, Dad."

He hugged me tightly for a minute, and then I got on the plane, and he was gone.

It's a four-hour flight from Phoenix to Seattle, another hour in a small plane up to Port Angeles, and then an hour drive back down to Forks. Flying doesn't bother me; the hour in the car with Lottie, though, I was a little worried about.

Lottie had really been fairly nice about the whole thing. She seemed genuinely pleased that I was coming to live with her for the first time with any degree of permanence. She'd already gotten me registered for high school and was going to help me get a car.

But it was sure to be awkward with Lottie. Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose, and I didn't know what there was to say regardless. I knew she was more than a little confused by my decision – like my father before me, I hadn't made a secret of my distaste for Forks.

When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didn't see it as an omen – just unavoidable. I'd already said my goodbyes to the sun.

Lottie was waiting for me with the cruiser. This I was expecting, too. Lottie is Police Chief Swan to the good people of Forks. My primary motivation behind buying a car, despite the scarcity of my funds, was that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top. Nothing slows down traffic like a cop.

Lottie gave me an awkward, one-armed hug when I stumbled my way off the plane.

"It's good to see you, Benny," she said, smiling as she automatically caught and steadied me. "You haven't changed much. How's Renold?"

"Dad's fine. It's good to see you, too, Mom." I wasn't allowed to call her Lottie to her face.

I had only a few bags. Most of my Arizona clothes were too permeable for Washington. My dad and I had pooled our resources to supplement my winter wardrobe, but it was still scanty. It all fit easily into the trunk of the cruiser.

"I found a good car for you, really cheap," she announced when we were strapped in.

"What kind of car?" I was suspicious of the way she said "good car for _you_" as opposed to just "good car."

"Well, it's a truck actually, a Chevy."

"Where did you find it?"

"Do you remember Betty Black down at La Push?" La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.

"No."

"She used to go shopping with us during the summer," Lottie prompted.

That would explain why I didn't remember her. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.

"She's in a wheelchair now," Lottie continued when I didn't respond, "so she can't drive anymore, and she offered to sell me her truck cheap."

"What year is it?" I could see from her change of expression that this was the question she was hoping I wouldn't ask.

"Well, Betty's done a lot of work on the engine – it's only a few years old, really."

I hoped she didn't think so little of me as to believe I would give up that easily. "When did she buy it?"

"She bought it in 1984, I think."

"Did she buy it new?"

"Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties – or late fifties at the earliest," she admitted sheepishly.

"Lo – Mom, I don't really know anything about cars. I wouldn't be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn't afford a mechanic…"

"Really, Ben, the thing runs great. They don't build them like that anymore."

_The thing_, I thought to myself… it had possibilities – as a nickname, at the very least.

"How cheap is cheap?" After all, that was the part I couldn't compromise on.

"Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you. As a home-coming gift." Lottie peeked sideways at me with a hopeful expression.

Wow. Free.

"You didn't need to do that, Mom. I was going to buy myself a car."

"I don't mind. I want you to be happy here." She was looking ahead at the road when she said this. Lottie wasn't comfortable with expressing her emotions out loud. I inherited that from her. So I was looking straight ahead as I responded.

"That's really nice, Mom. Thanks. I really appreciate it." No need to add that my being happy in Forks is an impossibility. She didn't need to suffer along with me. And I never looked a free truck in the mouth – or engine.

"Well, now, you're welcome," she mumbled, embarrassed by my thanks.

We exchanged a few more comments on the weather, which was wet, and that was pretty much it for conversation. We stared out the windows in silence.

It was beautiful, of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.

It was too green – an alien planet.

Eventually we made it to Lottie's. She still lived in the small, two-bedroom house that she'd bought with my father in the early days of their marriage. Those were the only kind of days their marriage had – the early ones. There, parked on the street in front of the house that never changed, was my new – well, new to me – truck. It was a faded red color, with big, rounded fenders and a bulbous cab. To my intense surprise, I loved it. I didn't know if it would run, but I could see myself in it. Plus, it was one of those solid iron affairs that never gets damaged – the kind you see at the scene of an accident, paint unscratched, surrounded by the pieces of the foreign car it had destroyed.

"Wow, Mom, I love it! Thanks!" Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful. I wouldn't be faced with the choice of either walking two miles in the rain to school or accepting a ride in the Chief's cruiser.

"I'm glad you like it," Lottie said gruffly, embarrassed again.

It took only one trip to get all my stuff upstairs. I got the west bedroom that faced out over the front yard. The room was familiar; it had belonged to me since I was born. The wooden floor, the light blue walls, the peaked ceiling, the yellowed lace curtains around the window – these were all a part of my childhood. The only changes Lottie had ever made were switching the crib for a bed and adding a desk as I grew. The desk now held a second-hand computer, with the phone line for the modem stapled along the floor to the nearest phone jack. This was a stipulation from my father, so that we could stay in touch easily. The rocking chair from my baby days was still in the corner.

There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Lottie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.

One of the best things about Lottie is she doesn't hover. She left me alone to unpack and get settled, a feat that would have been altogether impossible for my father. It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape. I wasn't in the mood to go on a real crying jag. I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.

Forks High School had a frightening total of only three hundred and fifty-seven – now fifty-eight – students; there were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home. All of the kids here had grown up together – their grandparents had been toddlers together. I would be the new guy from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.

Maybe, if I looked like a guy from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I _should_ be tan, sporty, blond – a volleyball player, or a footballer, perhaps – all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been skinny, and soft somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself – and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.

When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser, I took my bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean myself up after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed my fingers through my tangled, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy. My skin could be nice – it was very clear, almost translucent-looking – but it all depended on color. I had no color here.

Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn't just physically that I'd never fit in. And if I couldn't find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?

I didn't relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn't relate well to people, period. Even my father, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page. Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain.

But the cause didn't matter. All that mattered was the effect. And tomorrow would be just the beginning.

I didn't sleep well that night, even after I was done crying. The constant _whooshing_ of the rain and wind across the roof wouldn't fade into the background. I pulled the faded old quilt over my head, and later added the pillow, too. But I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight, when the rain finally settled into a quieter drizzle.


End file.
